Screengrab
It’s the third episode of the final season of Riverdale and … not a whole lot happens. It’s like another Spider-Man movie origin story where the characters find out things about themselves that we already know because we’ve been watching for six years. It also just seemed like an opportunity to spice things up, maybe push the new (conservative) network owners’ patience to its limit. But because the episode had to spend so much time getting the couples together — some to a breaking point — we got very little about the Muggs family murders.
But because of the murders, and with Ethel returning to school, the principal and superintendent (and why is the school superintendent always there?) decide to push forward with the scheduled sex education class, with the superintendent, Dr. Werthers, proclaiming that he will lead the class. Principal Featherhead, living up to his name, agrees that would be a spectacular idea. The secretary’s facial expression shows that she does not agree. But Werthers does give the lesson and focuses on flowers and bees which only confused everyone. Luckily for them, Betty has been reading Alfred Kingsley’s book on human sexuality and she is prepared to tell the kids what sex ia all about. Veronica has a better idea — if you want to learn about it, you have to do it so everyone come to the Pembroke for a ‘make out party’.
Betty sees this as an opportunity to break through to Kevin, but Kevin would rather skip it … especially after his conversation in the locker room with Clay, freshly out of the shower and, to Kevin, freshly out of the closet, matter-of-factly telling him that he likes boys so the party would not be for him. He also told Kevin that he’s the only person at school who knows so he’d appreciate him being discrete with his knowledge. Kevin assures him that he will and oddly pats the naked boy on his chest. In the girls’ rest room at school Veronica tells Betty that she sees this as a chance to get Archie in her claws — because sex is about women’s pleasure, not the men’s — unknowingly, or perhaps fully aware, that Cheryl was in a stall listening to everything, storming out in a huff.
The gang attends an Open Mic Night at The Dark Room where Clay recites poetry that baffles everyone but enrapts Kevin (‘It’s art, it doesn’t need to mean anything’ he responds to Betty’s question as to what it was about), Toni does a sexy dance with a prayer to Mighty Aphrodite, that makes Cheryl feel like she’s the only person in the room watching but at the end her pleasure freaks her out and she tells Archie to take her home. Toni seems pleased with her performance and the reaction. At her front door, Cheryl pounces on Archie with an unexpected kiss, and the two make a date to go out again. This was all thanks to Julian suggesting to Archie that he ask Cheryl out — and the behest of their mother who is concerned about Cheryl’s unnatural proclivities — noting that she’s more experienced than the other girls because she’s dated college guys.
The performances at the club has an effect on everyone, leading to what appears to be a shared dream in a steamy jungle setting, Toni dancing and three couples making out: Kevin & Betty, Julian & Veronica and Archie & Cheryl. At least in Betty’s version of the dream, because Veronica places herself with Archie while Betty watches. Cheryl dreams of Toni, Kevin dreams of Clay (heads at Nexstar must have been exploding with all that same-sex action), and then Betty sets her sights on Archie … which shocks her awake. But when Archie asks Betty if he can take a look at her book to help his prepare for the make out party, she is happy to offer him some pointers, which leads to an unfortunate reaction on Archie’s part, embarrassed, dashing out and clutching a pillow to cover his ‘excitement’.
At the party, we learn that Fangs and Midge are coupled up already (and if there’s a Midge in this world, where is Moose, and why isn’t he the object of Kevin’s eye??) but Ronnie starts things off with a game of Post Office. Each boy has a number that corresponds to a girl in the room, and they have to deliver a kiss to that girl. Fangs gets Cheryl and she is less than thrilled, only offering her cheek even though Fangs assured her he brushed his teeth … this week. Kevin gets Midge, and it’s the most awkward thing ever as Midge has to grab Kevin’s head to hold him still so she can plant one on him (and Betty is even more weirded out by the awkwardness), Jughead gets Betty and the kiss almost seems to feel familiar to him, Julian gets Toni and she lays one on him so Cheryl will take note, and by some strange twist of fate (and that fate being named Veronica) Archie is left with Ronnie. And Cheryl isn’t happy because when Ronnie announces the next step of the party is for everyone to pair up and go make out somewhere in a dark corner, Cheryl pops up and immediately grabs Archie, much to Ronnie’s dismay. But with everyone paired up that leave Ronnie and Toni with two choices: Julian or Jughead. And knowing that Julian is a real octopus, she opts for Jughead, leaving Toni with Julian … and she just asks him to take her home. But Jughead and Veronica actually bond over authors and horror movies. But do they make out? That is left to our imaginations. Betty still can’t get any interest out of Kevin, and Cheryl tries to keep Archie’s paws from going to far beyond her hips, but she changes things up and pounces on him. What happens after we only know from what Cheryl told her mother and brother, showing off a hickey and telling them that Archie ‘pinned’ her, really pinned her as in all the way. I suspect that she just wanted to rile up her ‘hobgoblin of a mother’ so she’d back off about Cheryl having a boyfriend. But Archie may end up collateral damage. Betty decides her last ditch effort with Kevin is to give him the sex book, and Toni tells Veronica she cut out of the party early because she’s playing a long game but won’t say with who (of course we know it’s Cheryl).
Screengrab
Aside from all the sex nonsense, there was little movement with Ethel. Sheriff Keller hasn’t got much out of her except that the milkman killed her parents. The milkman is over 70 years old, so Tom isn’t buying that and he’s not going to wake up the old man in the middle of the night to question him. For the time being, Alice offers to bring Ethel to the Cooper home since she has nowhere else to go … against Hal’s wishes (hmmm, is Hal a serial killer in this era?). Betty assures Ethel that she is there for her but Ethel is still pretty shell-shocked from the whole ordeal. Meanwhile at school, Jughead is being interrogated by the sheriff, principal and superintendent, with Tom suggesting someone saw someone fitting Jughead’s description — down to the crown — breaking in to Ethel’s house the night of the murders. Juggie vehemently denies the accusation, and assures him he’s not the sad loner they think he is because he’s going to a party with the ‘cool kids’ (the make out party). He’s free to go, something about Ethel’s story sounds familiar — in fact, it’s right out of one of the horror comics Jughead reads.
On Ethel’s first day back to school, she and Jughead are called to the principal’s office where Sheriff Keller is waiting once again. Tom informs Jughead that they searched his train car after he left for school and found the damning evidence of those comics along with one of Ethel’s drawings of what looks like her parents being ground up in a giant meat grinder operated by Ethel. To the adults in the room, this points to their guilt but they will allow them to explain. But will they even listen to the explanation?
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 9:00 PM.
What did you think of this episode? Let us know in the comments section below.
Share this post
