Lifetime
Lifetime rolls out another ‘Secret Life’ movie this week with one of its silliest, Secret Life of the Surgeon’s Wife, which again gives us another totally misleading title because it’s not the wife who has a secret life, it’s her (oral) surgeon husband, but they have to go for that rhyming title, right?
Secret Life of the Surgeon’s Wife centers around Julia Morgan (Gina Vitori), wife of an oral surgeon who has recurring dreams of a dental procedure gone wrong. This actually has nothing to do with the story though, even though husband Peter (Justin Berti) brings up the matter constantly, and admonishing Julia for not wearing her teeth guard to prevent her from grinding them all night, which is probably causing her bad dreams. Actually, she more likely stressed out about a presentation she’s about to give to obtain funding for her charitable foundation, a project that she’s been working on with support from Justin and her bestie Leslie (Chelsea Rose Cook). Sadly, due to the financial climate her pitch fails, but Leslie had already booked a fancy restaurant to celebrate what they thought was a sure thing, so the three of them plus Leslie’s husband Mark (Gabe Pranter) make the best of it. It has to be noted that Leslie mentioned this restaurant is so popular that it’s booked four months in advance but … the bar area and many surrounding tables were completely empty. I guess the extras budget was non-existent. Anyway, Julia spies Peter chatting up the one woman at the bar and sees him give the woman his number, which puts her in a foul mood for the rest of the night. He finally asks her what the attitude is about when they get home, and she tells him about seeing that woman. Turns out it was the hostess at the restaurant and a former client of Peter’s. He was simply giving her his new office phone number. Boy, does Julia feel silly. Just as they are about to attempt to make the evening a little more festive — in bed — Peter gets an urgent oral medical emergency text … in the middle of the night, and Peter has to attend to it (even though he’s been drinking). Julia thinks this is a bit suss, so she watches him in his car fixing his hair and spraying some Binaca into his mouth. Feeling this is even more odd, she follows him … to a hotel and watches from outside the lobby as he gets a key card and … Leslie joins him. Ruh-roh. Suddenly Mark shows up, running right past Julia, yelling in the lobby but being swiftly ejected. Julia walks over to him and they both realize what’s happening, but the question is how long has this been happening?
The two head to an all-night diner and try to come up with a plan, and Julia rightly decides they cannot do this themselves. They both have too much to lose if they are caught spying on their cheating spouses so she hires an old friend who is in the private investigating business. Peter is due to speak at a dental convention that weekend, so PI Sherman (Paul Rose) tails Peter to the hotel where the convention is being held. So at least that wasn’t a lie. As he sets up his camera with a telephoto lens, luckily right across the parking lot from Peter’s room (and in complete view from the window with his giant camera lens aimed at the hotel), he manages to snap some photos and get video of Peter and Leslie going at it right in the window. Shortest investigation ever, but Sherman’s total lack of understanding of the word ‘undercover’ puts him right in Leslie’s eyeline, and when Peter also sees him the two pack their bags and follow the man to see what’s going on. Peter happens to travel with some powerful sedatives, so Leslie distracts Sherman by breaking his car window and Peter injects the man, knocking him out. Forever. His laptop is open and they see the video, but they are unaware that he’s stashed a copy on a flash drive, and that he’d already called Julia to meet him to give her the evidence. Now Peter and Leslie have to dispose of a body but Julia and Mark arrive, thinking it’s very suspicious that Sherman would call them and then suddenly text them that he had nothing. They break into the house and Julia happens to pick up a picture frame that rattles, finding the flash drive inside with her name on it. Peter and Leslie are now spying on them through the window and panic when they realize what Julia has. We have to also note her that during this entire sequence which involved the accidental murder of Sherman, the musical score was hilariously upbeat and wacky, like this was all being played for laughs. Armed with the flash drive, Mark invites Julia back to his place to see what Sherman found, unaware that they are now being tailed. After watching the video, one thing leads to another and Mark and Julia end up going at it while Peter and Leslie watch, so now they have evidence to claim it was their own spouses that are having an affair. But Peter needs that flash drive, so he sneaks in while the two are sleeping and sedates Mark (with a supposedly smaller dose than the one that killed Sherman but actually fills the ENTIRE syringe) but Julia is missing. Until she walks into the room and Leslie slugs her in the head with a very heavy vase. Peter’s only solution to this new problem now is to finish them off, claim they ran off together, bury the bodies somewhere off the beaten path, and move on with their lives together in a new location. But it can’t be as easy as that, can it?
Lifetime
Secret Life of the Surgeon’s Wife is like that Wild Mouse rollercoaster at the amusement park, going along with the plot until it takes a wild turn, then another wild turn and another until you think it’s actually going to fly off the tracks. By the time things got to burying Mark and Julia (both still very much alive because Peter dropped his syringe and then broke everything while fighting with Julia), the writer and director should have just thrown caution to the wind and had the pair sneak up on Peter and Leslie in zombie makeup to make them think they had returned from the dead (by the way, Peter did not dig a deep enough grave for three bodies so he had to dump Julia in what looked like an old industrial refrigerator, tying the doors shut (from which Julia escapes in the most ridiculous manner, but who knew dental floss was so strong?). Their return does lead to another knock down, drag out fight in which Julia manages to subdue Peter with a cardboard poster. Seriously. It was all supremely silly, but somehow still entertaining (and, yes, according to the title card this was inspired by actual events).
The cast does their best to make this feel somewhat grounded, their earnestness possibly making it all feel more absurd than it already is. Vitori and Pranter have to always be a bit overwrought by what they have discovered, while Berti and Cook get to have a little more fun as they scheme and conspire and murder and bury. They at least make things more interesting. Overall, Secret Life of the Surgeon’s Wife almost seems like a satire of the ‘Secret Life’ movies, and perhaps it should have pushed things a little further to make it so. Maybe Lifetime could actually laugh at itself once in a while, because between this series and the ‘Wrong Something’ movies with Vivica A. Fox, the audience is already laughing at the unintentional humor. Come on, Lifetime, just go for it.
Secret Life of the Surgeon’s Wife has a run time of 1 hour 27 minutes, and is rated TV-14.