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Let’s Talk About ‘Welcome to Rivervale’:
- Jughead, always the unseen narrator, now assumes the duties of on-screen host welcoming us to Rivervale, a slightly alternate universe version of Riverdale.
- Toni and Fangs’ baby is suffering from a case of colic, so Dr. Curdle Jr. (not a mortician in this universe) prescribes a frog in the mouth to suck out the colic. Umm, no.
- Veronica and Reggie are Rivervale’s new power couple with plans for the casino moving forward. There’s just one little problem — no office for equal partner Reggie.
- Jughead and Tabitha are moving in together but Jughead may have cursed them by killing a spider.
- Alice has the hots for Frank, but no matter how hard she tries — and she tries hard — he won’t reciprocate because he has a secret.
- Archie and Betty are shacking up, but Archie keeps having strange dreams that involve a bomb under their bed (which was the Season 5 cliffhanger).
- Kevin has not gone to New York to give Broadway one more try.
- Cheryl and Nana Rose are leading their school for wayward girls into the past in the hopes of restoring the tapped out maple groves of Thorn Hill to their previous glory.
- Archie inadvertently starts a war with Cheryl when he launches a plan to reforest Rivervale, giving each resident in town their own maple sapling.
- Cheryl plans a Maple Festival for the citizens of Rivervale, but it all gets a bit Midsommar by the end of the day.
- Sabrina Spellman did not make an appearance.
Season 6 of Riverdale is here, and for now the show is being referred to as Rivervale as the new season launches with a special five-episode event … which apparently will have nothing to do with the sixth season proper that won’t begin until March 2022 (so forget all about that bomb under Archie’s bed planted by Hiram Lodge … for now). This event gives the writers of the show to delve into more ‘out there’ concepts, perhaps borrowing a page or two from the Afterlife With Archie comics. Sadly, the first episode does not include the hotly anticipated arrival of Sabrina Spellman. But the premiere did offer lots of weirdness and a pretty shocking ending, and one has to wonder if when March rolls around this may all be some crazy dream of Archie or, more probable, Betty after that explosion we saw at the end of Season 5.
The episode starts right off in a weird place with narrator Jughead, always in voice-over, now appearing on screen to lead us through the episode, introducing us to a town that seems familiar but really isn’t. Many of the storylines set up in the Season 5 finale are carried through — except for the bomb — and they become the catalyst for the shocking conclusion to the episode.
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Everything that happens in this episode revolves around Cheryl and her school for wayward girls. First, Kevin stumbles upon a ritual deer sacrifice in the woods near Thorn Hill (technically Cheryl’s property, as she informs Betty and Archie when they arrive to investigate) that brings back the memory of a fifty year old cold case of a human sacrifice on the same altar. Chery and the girls drive off the intruders, threatening to shoot them with arrows like St. Sebastian. Chery has bigger problems though as her maple trees are tapped out, and declaring Thorn Hill a sovereign nation, she can’t request help from Rivervale — Archie won’t even give her new maple saplings because they are only for tax paying citizens. So Cheryl and her crew may or may not have sabotaged a newly planted maple grove — she swears she’d never do such a think to her family’s life blood — and to show her sincerity, she throws a big maple festival for Rivervale … and Archie and Betty are totally stumped as to why anyone from town would want to even acknowledge Cheryl at this point. But, Betty seems to believe Nana Rose Blossom may have had something to do with the cold case so she sees this festival as a way to snoop around while Cheryl is otherwise occupied.
Toni and Fangs are at their wits end with baby Anthony, suffering from a bad case of colic, crying non-stop and no remedy to be had except for Dr. Curdle Jr., who in this world is a family practice doctor and not a mortician, who wants to put a small toad in the baby’s mouth to suck out the colic. Neither of them are down for that remedy, but Fangs later reveals that Serpent moms with colicy babies would place the baby on a tree stump in the forest overnight so the baby could cry out the colic. Even his own mother did it to him. Toni does not believe any Serpent mom would leave their baby in the woods overnight, but she’s down for anything at this point and actually attempts to go through with it. Until Cheryl shows up and makes her an offer of a fragrance she makes that’s calmed the baby, but she needs Toni and Fangs to bear witness. To what, we don’t know.
Jughead and Tabitha are closing the deal on their new apartment, but the agent is a bit ominous when she warns Tabitha of the pitfalls of moving in with someone for the first time. But Betty and Archie help the couple move in — Betty assures Tabitha that it isn’t weird at all — and everything is swell until Tabitha sees a spider in the kitchen. Screaming for Jughead, he comes in and kills it but all she wanted him to do was put it in a cup and take it outside. Now he’s put a curse on their new home. Jughead assures her they will be fine, but Tabitha wakes up that night being eaten alive by some invisible vermin. There’s nothing in the bed but the next morning she sees the same welts on Juggie’s back and they don’t know what to do next. Fulfilling an order of pancakes for the maple festival, Cheryl arrives at Pop’s to pick them up and notices the welts on Tabitha’s arm. Relating the story to her, Cheryl says she may her own remedy to the vermin situation. She just needs Tabitha — and Jughead — to do something for her.
Veronica and Reggie are making plans for their new casino, but Reggie still thinks Ronnie is planning to head back to New York City and leave him high and dry. To prove she’s all in on the casino and Rivervale, she shows him the blueprints for the facility … and he notices there is no office space for him, her supposed equal partner. Reggie storms out, but to prove to him she is sincere, she brings Reggie to her bedroom where the bed is covered in cash, telling him it’s his bonus. And she’s always wanted to do it on a pile of money. But Reggie shocks her by turning down the offer (of cash and sex) and storms out, implying that who she really wants is Archie. Later at the maple festival, Cheryl asks what the Veronica and Reggie stan name will be by Ronnie tells her that may not happen. But Cheryl just may have a way to convince Reggie that Veronica only has eyes for him. For a price, of course.
Alice, recovering from the shock of Polly’s death, has been going out of her way to show Frank that she’s interested in him, calling him over to unclog a drain and then feed him a conveniently prepared meal. But at their latest dinner, after finally telling Frank she’s interested he turns her down, but doesn’t say why. He later does reveal that when he was a mercenary, he had a wife and daughter and because of his work they are both dead. Alice has total sympathy for him and offers to ‘friend zone’ him at the Maple Festival … where Cheryl just may have a way to get the two lovebirds together.
With Archie doing all he can to keep Rivervale running, his mom calls and wants to know when she’s going to have a grandchild. Sadly, Betty and Archie learn from Dr. Curdle Jr. that Betty is ‘barren’, and she’s one of several healthy young women who have come to him recently with the same issue. Sounds a bit suspicious. But after suggesting adoption, Archie is still determined to give it the old college try before the couple heads to the Maple Festival. What Archie doesn’t know is that when Betty went to Thorn Hill to question Nana Rose about the sacrifice, she also revealed to her cousin Cheryl her infertility issue. Guess who may have a solution to that?
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At the festival, Betty goes off to snoop around the house, and Archie finds himself forced into several competitions — even before he knew he was going to be in one, Toni and Fangs wished him good luck — the first of which was a pancake eating contest between him and Jughead. Juggie should have been the obvious winner, but Archie beat him by three pancakes, 119 to 116, advancing him to the next contest. Jughead oddly told Archie that he was like a brother to him and that he loved him. In the next round, Archie faced off against Reggie sawing a log. Reggie lost and stormed off, but Veronica ensured him that he was supposed to lose to Archie and he’d see why soon. Things start to get a bit Midsommar-y as Cheryl’s girls dance around a pole, but there’s nothing to worry about, right? Right?!
The final contest was an axe throwing contest and Betty stepped up to challenge her beau. Cheryl announced that this was a winner take all competition for the crown of King or Queen of the Maple Festival. Archie thought that his winning the previous comps automatically made him the winner, but he played along. His axe was nearly a bullseye, but — and we didn’t see her throw — Betty ended up being crowned. Archie’s prize was a pie, which Cheryl made earlier explaining to her student that this was a long-time tradition. The pie was prepared and then given to someone in town to consume, eating all of the town’s sins in the process. Back at home, Archie asks Betty what she found at Thorn Hill. She said there was some weirdness but the little dolls they had found at the ruined maple grove made by Cheryl and company were actually fertility dolls, and she wants to put hers under the mattress so they can make a baby … after Archie has some pie because he’ll need all of his strength for what she plans to do with him.
Later the phone rings and wakes up Archie. Kevin is on the other end frantically telling him that Cheryl has Betty and they’re about to perform some crazy ritual on her. Archie flies out of the house and when he gets to Thorn Hill Cheryl welcomes him. She tells him they are about to perform a ritual for herself and everyone assembled. Archie sees everyone from Rivervale gathered around, all dressed in white. Betty comes out in an elaborate dress with a huge headdress, and Cheryl says they need to do a sacrifice to ensure the maple trees thrive again and Rivervale has a bountiful year. So they need a sacrifice — the right kind of sacrifice, and it’s not Betty. Betty reveals to Archie that she is certain after their lovemaking a few hours earlier that she has conceived a child, a son in fact, and in 25 years he’ll be crowned Maple King just like his father. Archie is confused but Cheryl makes it clear that women cannot be sacrificed. They must bear the children. It’s the men who are sacrificed to the goddess of the maple grove. She says the blood is the seed, and the most potent blood is …
Archie stops her right there because he assumes she means a virgin. It’s always a virgin’s blood, right? And Archie is certainly not a virgin. No, but what he is is Rivervale’s one true, pure heart. They need a king willing to die for their queen. Only someone like Archie is worthy. Archie finally sees that Jughead, Uncle Frank and others are there and he’s told that he’s spent his entire life trying to preserve and save this town. Now he will be doing exactly that, a martyr to his cause. And before he can say anything else, Veronica sneaks up behind him and knocks him out cold. So there, Reggie, is that proof enough? When Archie comes to, he’s tied up, facing the assembled guests. Veronica tells Cheryl to hurry up and do it, and Cheryl beings reciting a verse about she who walks among the trees, accept this sacrifice and be appeased. And then she plunges a large knife into Archie’s abdomen while the other watch with elation, believing that with this all of their dreams will come to fruition. And to prove that this sacrifice is the real deal, Cheryl cuts out Archie’s heart, still slightly beating, holding it up for the crowd to see.
Our narrator recaps that Archie Andrews, born 25 years ago in Riverdale has died tonight in the shadow town of Rivervale. But don’t go anywhere because, as the episode ends, things are just getting started. So, is this all a dream? Archie’s? Betty’s? It’s interesting how some elements from Season 5 carried over here but little things like Pop’s being completely rebuilt and Kevin still in town keep the lines blurred between what’s real and what’s not. There certainly is a casino coming, Toni and Fangs have a baby, Alice has the hots for Frank, and Cheryl did start her school for girls. But were Jughead and Tabitha ready to take that next step? And the bomb under Archie’s bed. We did see that explosion and a satisfied Hiram Lodge in the season finale so we’ll be left guessing for a while as to what exactly is going on. Stay tuned.
Riverdale airs Tuesdays at 9:00 PM.
What did you think of the season premiere? Let us know in the comments section below.
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