LMN
Lifetime Movie Network rolls out another ‘Unhappily Ever After’ thriller that demonstrates the filmmakers need to learn the definition of the word ‘thriller’. On the other hand this one, Bride or Die, actually has a title that makes sense because one of the characters in the movie actually says those words … and yes, it is definitely a play on the phrase ‘Ride or Die’.
Bride or Die puts the spotlight on bride-to-be Allie (Kelley Jakle), daughter of a well-to-do family who is about to marry a schlub named Nick (Mark Hapka) who, because he’s marrying into the family has been awarded a place within the family business thanks to Allie’s President Eisenhower look-alike dad. At their engagement party, Nick is obviously way out of his league in his blazer and slacks that are about 6 inches too long for him. Out of nowhere, Nick’s crazy ex-girlfriend Vanessa pops up — there’s no singing but it does look like she cut her own hair to convince us she is off her rocker — and attempts to kill either Nick or Allie, but she’s subdued before she can get close enough to them with the knife that was conveniently nearby. Some time later at their new home, Nick and Allie’s relationship is already showing signs of crumbling as the two argue over Nick’s lack of help getting the home into shape, leaving Allie to do everything (she may also be a bit resentful because she sold her own business to buy the house, which Nick reminds her she did not have to do but it was her choice). But Nick smooths things over a little by announcing he’s been given a prestigious client and that’s why he’s been working so much. Allie would still appreciate a little help. Then her bestie Maya (Rachele Schank) shows up, senses some tension, and tells Allie that she’s got a girls weekend all set up for them and their friends Steph (Kara Royster) and Kat (Mary Kate Wiles) at a cabin way, way out in the wilderness.
The ladies head out for their trip, stop at a diner for some grub where Allie notices a man in a hoodie in a booth in the corner who seems to be watching them (and then vanishes right before her eyes), get back on the road, making a stop in the middle of the forest because Kat didn’t go before they left the diner, notice they are on the border of having zero cell reception, and finally make it to the cabin. When asked why Maya never brought them here before, one of the girls reminds them that it was a nine hour drive, and by the halfway point of the movie (an hour with commercials, 45 minutes without), you feel like you’ve been on a nine hour trip with them because nothing happens. They hang out at the cabin, by the lake, back in the cabin, give Allie some gifts, go to bed. Somehow the next morning the entire cabin has been completely decorated for a bachelorette party, which Allie slept through — even when they were filling her bedroom with balloons (including ‘Bride to be balloons over the headboard of her bed, which means someone was walking on the bed while Allie was sleeping) and hanging things on the walls including a neon sign. The party gets started with champagne for breakfast and by the end of the night, Kat is so wasted she passes out in Allie’s bed, so Allie has to sleep in Kat’s bed. But no one gets much sleep as Kat starts screaming because an intruder has gotten into the cabin and stabbed her in the leg. Finally, something happened! For comic relief, Kat passes out at the sight of blood, so we get a few chuckles here and there, but the other three ladies manage to subdue to assailant and tie him up with a whip Allie was gifted, but the only way to call for help is to drive to the spot where the cell phones will work. Allie and Maya make the drive to the spooky tree they noticed on the way up, leaving Steph to keep watch on the guy and Kat. Allie calls Nick but can’t seem to speak — and we never know if she said a word to him — while Maya calls the police, telling Allie it will take them an hour to get there. Luckily someone thought to put a tourniquet on Kat’s leg and they even put the guy’s gun somewhere out of reach. But when they return, Steph is asleep and the guy is gone. But he’s not, as he returns to finish the job. Unfortunately, Steph gets shot out in the driveway and her friends leave her there for dead while they search the cabin. While they’re upstairs, he’s in the living room area telling Kat to be quiet and he has to finish the job because ‘she’ made him do it. ‘She’ who? Vanessa (who was recently, and conveniently, released from jail)? Will anyone survive this ordeal, and will Allie get her happily ever after?
Bride or Die is one of the most tedious ‘thrillers’ LMN has broadcast in quite some time. Literally nothing happens for the first half of the movie. There is a lot of talking and attempts at character development, but we know almost nothing about Steph or Kat, except for Kat’s blood phobia, and Maya is just the best friend who wants what’s best for Allie, telling her like it is about her husband-to-be who she thinks treats Allie like dirt and has only latched on to her because of her family’s wealth. You may find yourself struggling to stay awake during all the exposition.
Be warned, from this point it may be difficult to avoid spoilers so if you haven’t yet watched the movie and plan to, come back afterwards to finish this review. Anyone else, well, we watched this movie so you don’t have to.
Once the hired killer shows up the story moves at a quicker pace and it becomes a bit more entertaining, but while the story tries hard to pin the hit on Vanessa, you have to keep wondering how she could have known about this trip since she was in jail and really has no idea where Allie and her friends are. From the first two minutes, this viewer’s thought was ‘Nick is behind this’ but why would he want to kill his future wife? Wouldn’t that basically sabotage his new job? And how does the killer keep getting back into the cabin when all of the doors and windows are locked. Yes, it’s an inside job and the real suspect might come as a surprise but you have to remember one fleeting detail from the engagement party where Nick and Maya have a very brief interaction as she and Allie are descending the staircase. Nick takes Allie’s hand as she steps down off the stairs, but he allows Maya to lock arms with him. By the time Allie figures out that Maya is the one who wants her dead, and Maya tells her that she and Nick planned this because Allie treats him like ‘shit’ (yes, Maya said that but it was bleeped out), we don’t know whether to believe her or if this is all some twisted fantasy. Even when Nick shows up, telling Allie he drove through the night to get there — and remember, this was a nine hour drive and all of this began in the middle of the night so it should be daylight by the time he gets there but it’s still dark — it’s still not clear if he is in cahoots with Maya as the two are now holding guns on each other. Kat is of no help because she passed out when the killer got shot in the face (giving viewers a completely shocking moment of visceral violence complete with blood spatter), and the police arrive just in time to stop more violence (although Maya runs into the side of the staircase at a force hard enough to split her forehead open and knock herself out … yet even with a massive head wound there is no blood). And both Kat and Steph are okay! This is not a well-written movie but you have to appreciate how it can go from monotonous to ludicrous in the space of one commercial break. Writer and director Nanea Miyata actually does a nice job with the direction of the film, it’s just the writing that knocks it down. We see no real motivation for Maya’s actions and only have to take her word when she reveals the plan to kill Allie. Nick’s interactions with her were minimal, and he basically ignored her when she came to the house. It would have made just a little more sense if all of this was just Maya’s fantasy because she’s supposedly been Allie’s BFF forever so her sudden resentment would have better played out if she had only fantasized a romantic connection with Nick (and even right up to the end Hapka plays it as if Maya truly is off her rocker which makes it even more confusing when we learn in the final moments of the movie that he will be going on trial along with Maya). There are some good ideas here, but Miyata just needed someone to bounce things off of (maybe a story editor) to tighten up the dragging first half of the movie, giving us more of a ‘slasher film’ vibe as the women try to survive the night at the cabin (also making the cabin only, perhaps, an hour away from home would have been more sensible because they still could have been in a cell phone dead zone up in the mountains) like camp counselors battling a masked killer by the lake (considering the film was broadcast on Friday the 13th). Bride or Die had promise, but the story execution was lacking.
The cast is fine, and at least the women are written well, for the most part. Jakle is fine as Allie. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders even though she made some bad decisions (like selling her business). She is painted by Maya as a snobby rich bitch but Jakle’s performances makes Allie seem anything but that. She certainly makes Allie a character the audience can root for. Rachele Schank also plays Maya as a good friend, even a bit over-protective of Allie. There is no hint whatsoever that she’s on the verge of snapping, no clue that she and Nick are in cahoots, so the sudden change of character is jarring. One thing also noticeable about Maya is that she has a look for every scene to the point one might ask if it’s the same actress from scene to scene. One minute she’s glammed up, the next she’s completely make-up free. None of the other women have such extreme changes in their looks. Mary Kate Wiles plays Kat as a bit clueless at times, while Kara Royster gives Steph a little more awareness, sometimes verbally sparring with Maya over her feelings about Nick. Each woman is given a very specific function in the story, and they all do decent jobs with the material they were given. Hapka and his man bun has little do to but bicker with Allie and then play the concerned fiance, Robert Laenen does what he needs to do as the killer and handles the physicality well, and Claire Woolner completely gnaws on the scenery in her one moment as Vanessa.
Technical aspects of the film are very good. The cabin setting is warm and cozy, and the lighting feels natural. There is just that nagging issue of why it stays dark for so long. This story is set in California, not Alaska. The second half of the movie is better than the first, but that’s not really enough to recommend you spending 90 to 120 minutes watching it. Best we can say is if you need to watch, check out the first five minutes at the engagement party, and skip ahead to when the women arrive at the cabin. You won’t really lose anything storywise. This could have been a surprisingly good survival thriller, but it’s a long slog to get to the good stuff.
Bride or Die has a run time of 1 hour 27 minutes, and is rated TV-14.