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The world was introduced to world famous male supermodel Derek Zoolander in September 2001, the movie that introduced him was famous for being one of the first new theatrical releases to come out after the events of September 11. The movie also became infamous for being the first movie set in New York City after the terrorist attacks which forced the studio to digitally erase shots of the World Trade Center so as not to cast a pall over the outlandish comedy. The movie was a hit, so it’s a surprise it’s taken this long to finally get a sequel on the big screen.
Unfortunately, the result was not worth the wait.
As we pick up the story fifteen years later, Derek has been in hiding in Extreme Northern New Jersey (which looks more like the Himalayas) ever since Child Protective Services took Derek Jr. out of his care (his wife Matilda died in a horrible accident when a building made of Popsicle sticks and rubber cement collapsed on her). But out of the blue, Billy Zane shows up with a message for Derek – fashion designer Alexanya Atoz (Kristin Wiig) wants him to model for her show in Rome.
Billy Zane also shows up in the uncharted area of Malibu (more like the Sahara) where Hans is living with his … um, Orgy. Hans was disfigured in the same accident that killed Matilda, and now his Orgy is pregnant. All of them. Including Kiefer Sutherland! A panicked Hans books it to Rome where he comes face-to-scarred-face with Derek. The resentment quickly fades and the two enjoy preparing for the show (even with all of the extreme weirdness at hand like a hotel made of human dung and an 11-year-old assistant to Atoz played by a badly CGI’d Fred Armisen who never seems to be in the same room with anyone).
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But the plot thickens when Derek and Hans are ridiculed on the runway, pop stars are being murdered (while leaving the world with one final Instagrammed Zoolander-like look), and Derek’s son also happens to be in an orphanage in Rome. Contacted by Valentina (Penélope Cruz), who works for Interpol, to put all the pieces together, Derek and Hans find themselves in the roles of Bondian super spies to confront the only person who could be behind all of this … Mugatu (Will Ferrell).
The original Zoolander was goofy fun, poking a stick in the eye of the world of fashion and modeling. For me, the highlight of the movie was Will Ferrell’s Mugatu, a hilariously over-the-top villain who had more smarts than Zoolander and Hans put together, but was still outsmarted by their dimwittedness. In Zoolander 2, we don’t get to Mugatu until about halfway through the movie because he’s been incarcerated in some sort of high security fashion prison. When we finally do get to see him escaping to freedom and plotting to take over the (fashion) world, the film finally finds its humor (and Ferrell practically shrieking at Kyle Mooney’s slacker designer Don Atari was immensely satisfying).
Paramount Pictures
Up until the last quarter of the movie, though, Zoolander 2 is supremely, painfully, egregiously not funny. Some members of the screening audience were trying to muster up a fewe chuckles here and there, but there was never a single collective burst of laughter during the entire movie. It really is as dumb as its two lead characters. What the movie needed was more Mugatu and more Atoz (with her hilariously surgically enhanced face, extreme fashion and unintelligible accent). They were really the only things that made me crack so much as a smile during the film.
Paramount Pictures
The rest of it is cringeworthy at best, and there are some people who may find it to be a bit homophobic, transphobic (with Benedict Cumberbatch’s very androgynous model All — although I would have liked to have seen more of All if he had been developed as more than just a reactionary joke), and sizist. The major plot point of the film revolves around Derek’s son, who is not now what Derek expects. The kid is smart and overweight, so the bulk (no pun intended) of the dialog directed at the kid, played admirably by Cyrus Arnold (another bright spot in the movie), is very uncomfortable to listen to as most of the time they just refer to him as fat. Over and over again. (And there is a silly reason Derek Jr. is overweight but it’s a pointless plot device.) I’m sure Cyrus was well aware of the fact that his character was going to be the butt of a hundred fat jokes, but just listening to them made my skin crawl a bit.
The movie is also so busy filling the frame with celebrity cameos from Justin Bieber to Susan Boyle to Neill deGrasse Tyson to Susan Sarandon (telling Hans to “touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me, I want to be dirty”) that it just forgets what made the first movie so funny. Derek and Hans are ridiculously self-centered, unaware characters who don’t need to be turned into secret agents. Stick with poking fun at fashion and models instead of being the next Bond or Ethan Hunt. Channel the comedy into being funny without being mean. After fifteen years, one would think that someone could have come up with a better script idea.
If Zoolander 2 manages to overcome it’s plethora of bad reviews and turn a profit, hopefully someone will be able to craft a better script for Zoolander 3 in 2031.
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