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Doom Patrol has at least on WTF episode per season, and I believe ‘Undead Patrol’ is this season’s candidate. Can it get any crazier than this? I mean, it is still early in the season, but this one was completely out there … and terribly funny as well. Just as we like our Doom Patrol.
First on the list is the identity of the mysterious woman who has taken up residence in Doom Manor but doesn’t know why. She knows she needs to finds Niles Caulder, but has no clue why. And that mission is complicated greatly when the group reveals to her that Niles is deader than a doornail. Of course, we know Willoughby Kipling has his head … and now we know why. Turning the head into some sort of afterlife two-way radio, Kipling is able to speak with Niles but that’s not what he needs the head for. No, he’s using Nile’s decapitated head to trick the unicorn Baphomet into some kind of romantic relationship, literally putting words into Niles’ mouth to say Baphomet … who isn’t buying Kipling’s little magic show. Ouch.
While Victor is still feuding with his father, who finally admitted there was an experimental artificial skin grafting process he could have used to save Vic but didn’t because it was ‘experimental’, Vic reminds his father that the tech he used instead was also EXPERIMENTAL! Vic sure has a love/hate relationship with that tech. As long as it’s working for him, he doesn’t have a problem with it. But take him offline and it suddenly becomes a liability. Wah wah wah.
The mysterious woman reveals to the group she’s a time traveler, and is scoffed at until she shows them her machine. Spying a coat inside the machine that matches the one Rita saw herself wearing when she was pushed back into the dining hall to her death, Rita sabotages the woman’s machine so she can’t leave, and then befriends her, giving her the name Shannon. She also reveals to Shannon the key and the incessant alarm that she chose to ignore. Finding the keyhole, Shannon turn it and the table top of the chess board opens, revealing a reel of film. Shannon goes to the basement and watches the film from the Sisterhood of DaDa, surprised to discover … she’s in it, doing the same kind of dance she did earlier. And she discovers her real name: Laura de Mille. And she’s a bird! Or a shape shifter. She runs to tell the group her big news.
The group, however, doesn’t seem to notice the itching they are all experiencing even when the mysterious houseguest points it out to them. What they’re itching eventually spreads and the next thing we know … they’re all zombies. Think the Return of the Living Dead variety, unable to speak except for the word ‘brains’. It’s actually quite funny to see them all shambling about, their guttural grunts subtitled (and color coded) for our viewing enjoyment. How did they get this way? Oh, probably when the minion of Death vomited on them as they escaped the afterlife.
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To compound matters, an old foe shows up: Agent Jones, who was terrorized by the living butts all the way back in Season 1, and he’s stolen Chief’s head from Kipling and demands the Doom Patrol come and get it, or else. With the help of Kipling, Laura de Mille, and a magical portal, they all make their way to Jones … who turns into a were-butt and calls out to his were-butt brethren. And to keep the DP from eating their own brains, Kipling and Laura don big fur hats with half a pine tree-shaped car deodorizer tucked in the brim to throw them off the scent. A fantastically gory scene ensues as the DP fight back the only way they know how — eating butt (brains). Laura has discovered she’s a shape-shifter and tries to change into a bird but ends up an ottoman instead. Returning to human form, she does her best to protect Chief’s head.
During the melée, Kipling and Laura lose their hats and after taking care of the were-butts, the Doom Patrol turn their attentions to the ones who helped them. Niles’ head says there is one solution to the problem — let them eat his brain, which apparently contains a chemical that can cure zombism. Not reluctant to let them have it, Niles tells Kipling before they feed that if he’d just stop smothering Baphomet he’d see she loves him. Niles also tells Laura he’ll provide her with the information she seeks if she leaves his friends alone. There is still some humanity in the Zombie Patrol and reluctant to eat his brains, Niles assures Jane that it’s okay. They feed and return to their normal, such as it is, selves. Back at the manor, Cliff does some research on Parkinson’s, has a terrible Zoom call with a doctor (who thinks he’s just a TikTok-er pranking her), and finds a pharmacy that will deliver the needed drugs without a prescription! What luck. Before Larry was zombified, he’d been vomiting green goo, convinced that he’s dying without the Negative Spirit. Returning to his human self, he vomits again, but noticed something strange in his abdominal area. Unwrapping his bandages, he finds a large growth, or sac, or … baby bump? Jane finally gets to have her closure with Niles after building an effigy of him and setting it on fire.
Laura is still at the manor, but now she’s located Niles’ promised documents and let’s say she’s a bit shocked by what she’s reading. Apparently she worked with him at the Bureau of Oddities, and his report on her called her ‘a self-serving cancer that needs to be removed’. Feeling very down on herself, Laura goes back to rewatch the movie and spies something interesting in the corner of the frame — a woman who looks exactly like Rita, seemingly coaching or guiding Laura and the other woman with her through their odd dance moves.
New episodes of Doom Patrol drop Thursdays on HBO Max.
What did you think of the season premiere? Sound off in the comments below!
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