How Not To Play Survivor


Every now and then a Survivor episode has a title that actually makes some sense in context to the action on the show. “My Kisses Are Very Private” is not one of those episodes. It’s a sentence spoken during one of the confessionals by the chaste Jessica after she gives Cole a peck on the cheek for revealing that Joe has the idol. Nothing more, nothing less, but from here we get the guide on “How Not To Play Survivor”.

Because after Cole tells Jessica, the light bulb goes off over his head making him realize that Joe having an idol gives him all the power, so blindsiding him at Tribal Council is the best way to eliminate that threat. And then he proceeds to tell Roark and Desi and splitting the votes between Joe and Mike is the best thing to do and Joe gets an idol to take home as a souvenir. Mind you, this is all before they’ve even played the Immunity Challenge. Needless to say, Jessica may be regretting that kiss if Cole blows up their whole game. Luckily, they didn’t have to worry about it this week but too many people knowing such a big secret could spell trouble. As long as Joe keeps complaining about the cooking and then throwing food away, that target will remain on his back.


There wasn’t too much action on the Heroes tribe this week. JP is still providing fish and Alan is still trying to get a coconut opened. And while JP and Ashley were immediately named a “power couple” by Alan on day 0.75, it’s really Ben and Chrissy who are sitting pretty on this tribe. If it came to a vote right now, Alan would vote JP and JP would vote Alan and Ashley would vote Alan, so depending on who is the bigger threat Ben and Chrissy really hold the fate of either man in their hands. The question is do you get rid of the guy who is providing food or the guy who is providing the crazy? Alan is definitely not playing the best game at this moment.

The editors gave us a lot of “I’m pretty secure” confessionals this week which usually means that person is going home. But neither the Heroes or Healers tribes had much to worry about because of the trainwreck that is the Hustlers tribe, last week’s losers. And this tribe has an even bigger loose cannon in Patrick, who has absolutely zero social skills. He’s almost like an adorable puppy who runs around and bumps into things and is a bit clumsy and just has no awareness of his self around other people. He is lost in Patrick Land. But he seems like the strongest guy on the tribe. But he’s been rubbing Lauren the wrong way. Her biggest problem within the tribe is that she’s the oldest, and that never works out among a group of twentysomethings.


At this week’s Immunity / Reward Challenge, the tribes had to get themselves up and over a cargo net, throw sandbag at blocks on top of a wall and then stack the blocks up one on top of the other. It’s a challenge we’ve seen before but one near fatal mistake almost cost one tribe a win. All the tribes were virtually neck and neck at the sandbag portion of the challenge. Healers and Heroes swapped out tribe members during the throwing because it was obviously exhausting to toss those bags across a distance hard enough to knock a small cube off. Healers finished first and got their tower built and began celebrating but Jeff said it was wrong. They missed a block that was covered by sandbags which gave the Heroes the upper hand and the win, taking four chickens back to camp. Healers did manage to get it together and came in second, earning a dozen eggs for their trouble.

So where were the Hustlers? Oh, they were waiting for Patrick to finish knocking blocks down. Obviously exhausted and barely making it to the cubes, his tribe kept asking him if he wanted to swap out, particularly Lauren who played center field for 25 years (as she told us many, many times), but Patrick was ignoring everyone and doing his thing. Perhaps he thought he had to be the hero for his tribe to prove his abilities, but it ended up being a big bust, sending the tribe back to Tribal Council.

But back at camp before Tribal, he assumed he was safe because Devon, Ryan and Ali told him he was. So he tried to make nice with Lauren but he just ended up rubbing salt in her wounds, grinning like a dope when she asked him if she was getting voted out. She asked why is she getting voted out if he single-handedly lost the challenge? At Tribal, Lauren laid out her case that Patrick is difficult and he lost the challenge. With the suggestion of a merge coming up, Patrick presented his case that he’s taken in all of the criticism of his performance in challenges and around camp and is going to grow from that. And he’s a friendly guy who can get along with anyone. Oh, chimed in Ali, then why can he not get along with Lauren? (And she’s supposed to be his one ally in the tribe!).


Patrick tried hard not to be too cocky at Tribal, really poured on the humility, but when the notion of tribal harmony became what would keep this tribe together at that merge, it was Patrick who felt the sting of the blindside, and he did not take it well. You could practically see the daggers shooting out of his eyes and his parting words to the Hustlers was, “You’re awful people.” Ouch. And during the end credits, he hoped they all had terrible games because it was just too soon for him to go home. And that, ladies and gents, is how not to play Survivor.

And, of course, there will be a tribe shake-up next week.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Was Patrick too cocky? Tell us what you think!

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One Comment

  1. You know, I skippped a few seasons of Survivor because I’m weary of the social drama. But holy crap, they really stacked the cast with eye candy this time! Between the beautiful cinematography and the hot boys, I have to watch with my finger on the pause button.